Hello Sweeties! long post ahead…so strap in.
Hello, been a while. I feel like I say that a lot but I think this may have been my longest hiatus. September was when we went to Canada, so about 4 months. I wish I could say life has been easier and better since we left, but I’d be lying. We have been evicted from not one but two places for different reasons, surprisingly none of them our fault. and that isn’t even the worst, we have had our share of bad luck since we started dating. both individually and together. to get too in depth with it would have you guys here for hours. and i could barely handle dealing with it myself, let alone torture you guys with the gritty details. Basically a whole stem of our problems started with a family member who screwed my entire family over who I hate with every fiber of my being. in the span of three years my entire family has struggled in ways I never thought we would, all because of a selfish man who was throwing a childish tantrum because his toys got taken away. I gave it away there didn’t I? Whoops. that has sort of branched off into other shitty things. But hearing about my mess of a life isn’t what you came here for is it?
I have felt every feeling imaginable with this mess; anger for my mom and my family for going through this, anger for myself because of this intense feeling of betrayal. jealousy, because while I am dealing with all this he is living large without a care or a worry in the world, happiness because I met a pretty amazing man while going through all of this. but mostly I have just felt sadness for my dad. What would he think? how would my dad feel if he were here right now watching us go through this? How would he feel if somebody that was his blood blatantly ignored the promises that he made to him? I feel sadness for this family member as well because not only has he lost me, he has lost my brother. he’s never gonna see me walk down the aisle to the love of my life or hold my child’s hand for the first time. plus more, as far as I’m concerned, he’s dead to me. and there comes some sadness with that as well. maybe I’ll forgive him someday. but for now, he’s dead to me. ‘
You are probably wondering what this has to do with my lack of uploading. But that’s the thing, it has everything to do with it. I’ve felt so hopeless and weak lately. How long can I keep fighting? i’ve cut off my friends and family because of these situations, and I didn’t even go in depth with all of it. I have been a terrible friend to so many different people. the only person I even see anymore is Kieron, and we live together for christ sakes. I’m just tired and sad and overwhelmed, giving up would be so easy. just fall into a vat of nothingness and never come out. drive as far away as i can and not look back, but then I think of my dad. then I think of myself, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, there is happiness to be had in total darkness, Kieron has been a big part of that for me. Regardless of what i’m dealing with, he’s there with an “it will be alright dear”, or a “we will get through this.” weird being in a we. I want to get through this, I want to be better, and that’s a big New Years Resolution for me.
I seem to be writing a novel for you guys, sorry. I’m gonna sum it up now this time I promise. As hard as things get, there are passions I have that I want to put into fruition, Passions I want to work on. YouTube is a big part of that. i’m gonna try and upload again. we just don’t necessarily know where we are living right now, or when we will find out. I can try and blog more(when we have actual internet connection) I can Vlog, there are even other things I could do in the meantime. I have so many ideas for my life I want to work on, I just need a place to do them. Hopefully, the end of this month will bring good things. I’m definitely ready for a kick ass year. are you?
Thanks for reading, hopefully I didn’t bore you to tears.
thanks for listening,