Loss Is a Funny thing isn’t it?
Hello Lovelies! Jazzie here, posting another blog post 4 months too late. I could say sorry but that would imply that I will not do it again and I tend to make that promise a lot. There are ideas racking space in my brain that I have yet to write. But I just haven’t felt up to it lately, I haven’t felt up for anything really. depression is a wonderful thing, isn’t it? So here we are, a couple months from my last post. I’ve been working constantly and avoiding the current place I’m staying, ignoring my friends because I can’t deal with the constant things running through my brain, ignoring my family because handling anything besides my own thoughts is tearing me up inside.
But that’s not the reason I am writing this particular blog post, I’m here to talk about loss. more specifically the loss of my father. If you guys are reading this from my facebook you probably know who Geoffrey Patterson is. the one true owner of Geoffrey’s Comics in my book. the superhero of the South Bay who didn’t wear a badge.(although he used to.) a hugeeee Fanboy, and my badass father. he taught me so many things while he was on this earth and turned me into the person I am today. I can’t thank him enough for that. obviously, it wasn’t perfect. I was the only daughter he raised from birth after all. but as I’ve grown up, I have realized so many things about my dad that I didn’t know prior. I have more of an understanding of him. Losing somebody is a strange thing. Regardless of how long they have been gone, sometimes the loss hits you all over again. In my case, it was a video. for the first time in a long time, I heard my dad’s voice again. It hit me harder than I though it would. and then, that started off a spiral of me thinking about him more, me crying more often just remembering how I used to treat him when I was a stupid angsty teenager, remembering certain memories I chose to forget. The list goes on. I miss him, every day. Unfortunately, There is no set book telling you how you will deal with the loss of somebody you care about, no step by step guide telling you the grieving process. Loss surrounds me every day, not just with me but with my mom, boyfriend, brother. People Grieve so differently. sometimes it lasts for years and years. But sometimes, it goes a little bit quicker and hits you 4 years later because you saw a video. I’ve learned so many things about my dad and I in this time, more specifically things regarding me and how I react to things, how I have reacted to things. one big one being that objects aren’t my dad, I’ve been clinging on to so many mementos from him; statues, toys, clocks. our freaking house. when that’s not him really, my memories are him. I’ve learned that my dad was dealing with depression and growing up, I probably triggered a lot for him. I also learned, that my dad may not have been perfect. But I put him on this impenetrable pedestal, I held grudges with him that I had no business doing for so long. I learned a lot more about me, with the loss of him. All he taught me and everything he was will live with me for the rest of my life. everything I do, I know I will feel him cheering me on. probably begrudgingly in his case, because even though he followed his dream of opening a comic store, the minute I talked about my dream of opening a little diner, he told me it was a gypsy dream. Ironic coming from the #1 Fanboy right? I mean, have you seen our past cars? Anyway, I stopped dreaming that rather recently actually. who knows if I will ever go back to it, All I know is that my next endeavor will be School first and foremost. Maybe a comic book store from there. I don’t know what the future has in store for me. All I know is this, I’m gonna take it one day at a time and see what happens. So, with this long roundabout blog post, I will end it with this, if i were to give you any kind of advice when it comes to dealing with loss, whether It be with you or someone you care about. Everybody grieves differently, sometimes they may want people around them, sometimes they won’t, I know I didn’t. in fact, I resented people who did. The easiest thing would be to ask, it may save a relationship.
Thanks for reading. Hopefully, I will start posting more frequently after this.